She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
