We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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