I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
