textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
