Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Im part way to drunk.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
