the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
