Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
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