made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
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The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
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Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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