No stitches, just platelets and will power
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
