I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
