A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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