Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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