oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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