Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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