Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
