i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
