is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
