New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
