I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
