So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
