as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
