They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
