And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
