her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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