Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
