Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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