I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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