1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize