I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
