so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
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She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
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I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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