he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
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I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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