I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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