he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
