I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize