Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
