I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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