how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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