I'm going to jail i love you
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
