my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
