Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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