and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
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My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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