I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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