i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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