i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
