I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
