so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
