i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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