i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
