what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
