I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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