now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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