you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
