my phone needs a breathalizer
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
