my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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